Mr. Wangs Chinese Buffet
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."
"I'll knock your ass in to next week and let you pick the day you land on!"
"I'm gonna beat your ass three differ'nt ways and let you pick the one you like best!"
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than owl snot."
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
"Well, 'round here we got three ways to tell everyone about something, Telephone, Telegraph and Tell her."
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"She's a "butter face". Everything is ok but her face, bless her heart."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."
Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."